If you are serious about learning to cook, there a few places to start. I’ll start here since this a good baseline of what I think are plain obvious things you should know about handling your shit, other people’s shit and shit you don’t even have yet.

Cast Iron and Carbon Steel Pans!

A cast iron pan is a raw iron skillet, it has no special coating, (unless it it enameled, which means it has a smooth, usually colored, coating. Many times the interior of such pans is a white or cream color and the outside and bottom may be colored or not coated at all. These require hand washing as well. Read on, we are not done yet.) as such, raw cast iron will rust if stored when wet. That is why companies manufacture these pans as “seasoned.” No, this doesn’t mean you can buy a cast iron that automatically salts what you put in it. It means that at the factory they apply thin layers of a coating, usually oil, and heat the pan up. When oil heats up and bonds to the slightly more porous iron and bonds/polymerizes to it as it cools. If you do this enough times, the rough surface of the pan will become slick and nearly non stick. Yeah, this is what people used to do before teflon. Because of the aforementioned qualities of cast iron, (and carbon steel, which I hasten to go into because you’ve probably already stopped reading because you hate my condescending tone, fine, I get it) cast iron should never be washed with any cleanser, short of a diluted solution of dishwashing liquid. DILUTED. But this shouldn’t really be necessary once you season the pan because, usually, you will just spray it down with hot water, dry it off, oil it, and store it. If you are even more industrious, once you oil the pan, put it back on the stove or the oven for a few more minutes to add to the seasoning you’ve already built up. Seasoning an be applied this way over years, generations even. I have cast iron pans that can release a fried egg without a fuss.

Why is any of this important? Because cast iron rules and if you use it you should learn how to use it. Also, most people already know this shit, so showing that you know makes you look like you are not an ignoramus, which we’ve already established, you are. Sometimes you get nasty bits stuck to the pan, usually some water and heat on the stove can loosen most debris, but every know and again you get some nasty looking shit stuck inside there. Here’s what you do, you take fucking the same goddamn oil you’ve been using to season the shit out of this great pan you have, and put some on the cooking surface. Then you get coarse kosher salt and sprinkle it in the oil. There, you’ve got a physical astringent (salt) and a medium that wont dissolve it (oil). Now, for carbon steel, which comes in the form of cheap but highly useful lighter pans (lighter than cast iron anyways), and kitchen or chef’s knives. You treat carbon steel exactly the same as cast iron. That segues my rant to the next thing you should hand wash.

Knives!

Don’t ever, ever put knives of any kind into the dishwasher. That is, unless, you don’t give a shit about them, but if you are still reading, I am guessing that my pedantic and petulant stream of consciousness is either entertaining, infuriating or you actually want to know what you don’t know. An uncommon trait amongst most people over the age of 11. Don’t fucking put knives in the dishwasher.

Wood!

Look if you are lucky enough to have a goddamned dishwasher, I can’t fault you for using it all the time. But here is something else you should never put in there – anything made of wood. That’s right dumbshit. You ever wondered why that wooden spoon your mom gave to you when you moved out at the age of 33 cracked after a few uses? It’s because you put it in the dishwasher. Now, I don’t give a shit about my wooden spoon and it’s cracked as fuck but you know what? It’s a shitty IKEA wooden spoon that cost, like, $1.99 and it’s called something like Dürfer or something. It’s a dumb wooden spoon. But since I don’t give a shit about my cheap ass spoon I don’t do the following: buying and applying some food grade mineral oil. This is essential for things made out of wood, especially badass chopping blocks and cutting boards. Now, it’s also not a good idea to use soap on wood cutting boards, it dries them out and can cause them to split. Now, if I had an $800 teak cutting board hand carved by aboriginal craftspeople a half a world away? Yeah, I’d suck it up and get some food grade mineral oil. Clean your fancy ass bullshit free trade cutting board by using warm water and a clean cloth (no sponges on this shit) to get the big bits off, and dry it and coat in a thin layer of mineral oil and wipe off excess. Hooray, you’re done and honestly if you don’t already know the cast iron care part, you probably shouldn’t buy a fancy ass cutting board or chopping block.

Things that are too big!

Yes, that’s right, this applies to anything that takes up an entire rack in your dishwasher, although, I’m a lazy ass and will admit to doing this from time to time. But, if you are an earth hating dick with a desire to foment our collective doom, sure, go ahead and do this shit all the time. Get a decent drying rack, get some fucking Dawn, or Method Pink Passionfruit or whatever, get a sponge, a nylon or plastic scrubber brush and get to work. Some people don’t have the luxury of using a dishwasher, imagine how stupid and lazy you look to them.

Crystal!

Shitty wineglasses aside, don’t put that fine crystal in the dishwasher. You’re asking for trouble and heartbreak if you do this. Crystal can be made awfully thin, it is also substantially more brittle than regular old crummy glass. It will break. Repeat: it will break… eventually. Also, a hand washed and dried piece of crystal always looks cleaner than if you just washed it in the dishwasher.

Fine China!

You ever had your grandmother swat the back of your head when you tried to help her cleanup after Thanksgiving dinner? Well, it wasn’t when you put her grandmother’s china in the dishwasher, it was when she found out you did. Your grandmother never did that? Huh. Well moving on. Don’t do this.

Frosted or Coated Glass!

OK, so this is less common than it used to be but the next time you are in an antique store, check out the glassware. It will often have fancy frosted sides, or even golden or silver bits on it. So, the next time you wash your Commemorative A&W Mug, just hand wash it, already. And don’t use the scour side of your stupid stinking sponge.

Non-Stick Skillets!

I have some of these and they are handy for some uses. I will get into that later. Basically, if you have seasoned cast iron or carbon steel pans, you don’t really need these but I have them, so whatever – they are useful. The coating on these pans is notorious for wearing out over time. You know what means: you are basically slowly eating the god-knows-what chemical shit coating that pan. It’s fine though. Really. Just because the Communists over in the European Union have banned them, no big whoop. Putting these things in the dishwasher is like taking light steel wool to the coating every time you wash them. It’s why you shouldn’t use a metal whisk, spoon or fork in them. You really shouldn’t use the scouring side of the sponge either. But again, they are useful, even if possibly carcinogenic. But what isn’t these days?!

I can’t think of anything else!

When in doubt just buck up and wash it by hand. If it is delicate, old, cherished, don’t trust a robot with windmill arms with it.